In which our heroine really hates the Kardashians, but actually hates society more.

Let’s get something out-of-the-way right now: I hate the Kardashians.

Now, I am not a hateful person.  I don’t use the word hate lightly.  I dislike a certain things, I get frustrated by a lot of things, & I may even rant about something from time to time…but hate is not a word I use lightly.  That’s because, despite the fact that I may do the above things sometimes, I’m a generally nice lady.  I work at a wayward girls’ home for goodness sakes.  Were I a truly hateful human being, I wouldn’t be able to do a job like that.  But, I’m also a woman who stands for some things, like hard work & class, & becoming well-known because you’ve done something meaningful with your life.  The Kardashians, in my eyes, are the polar opposite of all those things.

Now, if you think I’m being too hard on the crazy K’s, please take a moment and objectively consider how the Kardashian zeitgeist got started.  The only reason this family has become infamous is because Kim Kardashian had sex on camera with Brandy’s little brother & the video became readily available for public viewing.  Rather than respond like a half decent mother, Kris Kardashian saw an opportunity to make a few bucks & pimped out her whole family to Ryan Seacrest.  That is factual information.  That’s the series of events that made Keeping up with the Kardashians happen. Disgusting, eh?

Now, with an understanding of how much I truly dislike these people on a fundamental level, you can imagine it would be a little hard for me to feel sympathy for any of them.  They’re exorbitantly rich and famous for no good reason; woe is them, their lives are hard. HOWEVER, while checking Buzzfeed this morning with my coffee like always, a story came across that made not only feel some empathy for Kim Kardashian, it actually made my guts hurt.

The story is titled: Kim Kardashian Covered in Blood & can be found for your reading displeasure here.  This is the picture she put out on instagram after the procedure:

Kim K's vampire facial

Kim K’s vampire facial

On the list of gross things people do for the sake of beauty, between the fish pedicure & foreskin facial cream, I really thought there was not much left people could try that would truly horrify me.  But, the vampire face lift officially wins the blue ribbon prize for crazy. For those of you not brave enough to click the links, allow me to briefly explain the procedure.

The Vampire Facial involves taking an injection of blood from the arm, mechanically separating the platelets from the rest of the blood, then injecting the platelets back into the FACE in hopes of stimulating collagen production in those pesky fine lines & wrinkles.

First of all, that’s gross.  Fully gross.  At what point in a discussion with your dermatologist does THIS procedure not only come up, but seem legit?  Who came up with this idea?  And then who listened to that weirdo & said “This is the BEST idea I’ve ever  heard & it’s not creepy at all! Here’s ALL the money for your business!”? Also, this procedure is $1,500 a pop.  I repeat $1,500.  One of these icky bloody face treatments is equivalent to 7 months of my car payments. There’s so much wrong with the existence of this procedure that it blows my mind. But that’s not even the thing about this story that makes my guts hurt.

Kim Kardashian is 32 years old.  Not 102, not 72, 32.  She’s also gorgeous.  I mean I hate the whole sluttastic “dat ass” Maxim centerfold stink that rolls off of her most of the time, but under all the spray tan & liquid eyeliner she really is an attractive woman.  Why in the sweet name of Jesus did she feel the need to do this AT ALL?  When’s the last time you saw a picture of Kim Kardashian while standing in the checkout line & said “Geez, she looks haggard, she needs to get some work done.”?  Never, that’s when.

I may have a litany of other complaints about Kim K.  However, at no point has one of my gripes been “She is looking leathery, maybe she should consider getting blood drawn from her arm & injected back in her FACE?”  It makes me sad that a woman living in the public eye would go through a procedure like this to keep the aging beast at bay.  How intolerant of women older than 22 have we become for a 32 year old to be THAT WORRIED about the collagen in her face?  Point of information: 30 isn’t old.  In my little redheaded opinion, you don’t really become an adult until you’re about 27.  That’s just how it is.  I’m 29 & until today I hadn’t given the collagen in my face the first thought.   And when’s the last time you heard about Pauly D (or some other douche on Kim’s level) doing some crazy medical thing to keep his face flawless?  He’s the same age, so they should have just used the buddy system & gone in for vampire facials together, right?

No, not right, because that’s not how it works for dudes.  Men become “distinguished” with age where, for some reason, women just become ugly old bats.  Apparently that’s how stuff works for us ladies. So, in summary, because she’s reached the age of legitimate adulthood & about to be a mom, Kim Kardashian is officially an old bag.  She needs to pull crazy stunts  like this if she wants to save the dwindling life force she has left.  Because, in America, what’s less attractive than a 30 year old?  Or a mom?  Let alone a 30 year old mom?!  Eww!

That’s why the story made my stomach hurt.  It’s not just a story about a celebrity being cray cray bananas, it’s a story that symbolizes the value we put on women past a certain age.  If you’re 21 & super hot, we love you & you should run around topless all the time.  If you’re 30 & super hot, you’re no longer hot ENOUGH.  Go do everything you can to look like a 21 year old.  Until then, you’re just gross & sad, so get the crazy foreskin cream & blood facial ASAP if you want us to keep paying attention.  That’s the sad reality hidden behind this weird ass story: Kim’s not the crazy one this time.  Our society is.


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