In which our heroine fills an online dating survey full of ridiculousness.


As a single lady, I’m attacked by multitude of ads for services designed to marry me off every time I am on the internet . Now, I am not opposed to online dating & I know people who have had good results with it. But, I find many things about the process of online dating highly questionable, especially the personality test/dating questionnaire part. I recently came across an anonymous questionnaire for the howaboutwe dating service that struck me as so stupid, I felt compelled to fill it out with complete foolishness & lies as an “ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer” sort of deal. So, for your consideration, my completed howaboutwe survey:

1. How old are you?
29 & 1/2

2.Where do you live?
A remote alien outpost on the surface of the sun.

3. Would you rather be early or late?
Early for cupcakes, late for being sacrificed to a volcano.

4. Best dating advice you ever received?
Keep your pants up & your shirt down.

5. Fool proof way to get a guy’s attention?
Chug a bottle of tequila, smash the bottle on the bar, & yell “WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE?”

6. Go to drink on a date?
Absinthe & tang.

7. Worst pick-up line ever used on you?
“I’m gonna go outside & throw up, but when I come back, I’m gonna ask you on a date.”

8. What (if anything) do you lie about on your dating profile?
My name, my age, my interests, my face…easier to ask what I’m NOT lying about.

9. Instant turn off in someone else’s profile?
A second head &/or 6 fingers on the left hand.

10. Biggest turn ons in real life?

11. What would your ideal date be?
A karate battle with neo-nazis.

12. What is your pre-date ritual?
Strip naked, sacrifice a baby goat to the headless ghost of Jayne Mansfield, drink a jar of moonshine, & bathe in a tub of baby oil & glitter just like Kesha.

13. What 3 items are essential to getting through a breakup?
C4 explosive, a disposable cell phone, & a Guy Fawkes mask.

14. Weirdest place you’ve ever been picked up/ been picked up?
Toss up between in line for the bathroom at Sheetz & in line for the bathroom at a Freemason jamboree.

15. How many chances do you give bad sex?
What is this bad sex you speak of?

16. Have you ever stood someone up?
Once, but I had a good reason. I had just given up my beautiful voice to an octopus witch in exchange for legs. It was a phase I was going through.

17. Do you google first dates?
That sounds like a good way to catch something gross.

18. Never go on a date without _____ in your purse.
Ninja stars.

19. His place or yours?

20. Best excuse for ending a date early?
I’m sorry, I have to go. My grandmother is on fire.

21. Historical figure you’d like to go on a date with?

22. Sex on a first date?
Also sounds like a good way to catch something gross.

23. True or False: A phone call is better than a text.
What’s a text?

24. Splitting the bill on a first date?
Wait, there are women out there who don’t pay for the guy on a date?! How rude.

25. Talking to your parents about your love life?
I’m not Amish.

26. Sex & the City?
is an awful TV show about some old tramps.

27. Blind dates?
If you mean blind as in he can’t see & might have a seeing eye dog, the answer is an enthusiastic yes.

28. Second chances after a bad date?
I typically bludgeon the guy unconscious & steal his wallet if the date is going badly, so probably a no.

Because what could possibly go wrong with bringing other people into your relationship?!

30. Monogamy?
I’m a big fan, but only on a day by day basis.

31. Karaoke dates?
Only if it’s Russian Karaoke where people get shot if they’re awful.

32. Dating a coworker?
Only as a means to gather blackmail material.

33. Meeting someone at a bar?
I don’t go to bars because I love Jesus.

34. Chivalry?
I try my best to be a gentleman at all times.

35. Waiting 24 hours to contact someone after a date?
I usually only wait 2 hours, unless it was a good date. Then I only wait 20 minutes.

36. Monthiversaries?
I prefer dayiversaries…BUY ME THINGS!!!

37. The fade out method?
Is that a sex thing or a dub step thing?

38. You ARE a girl, right?
Unless you know something I don’t, yes.


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