In which our heroine would like someone to explain these “sexy” Halloween costumes, please.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. There is no question.

I love Thanksgiving. I like St. Patricks Day. I used to love Christmas, but the retail, commercial side of it has become so damn pushy that the best I can muster for it these days is an obligatory like until about December 10th. But Halloween is made of candy, costumes, pumpkins, & horror movies, & therefore, is an absolute good.

However, I have always had one small gripe with Halloween & that is how it has evolved into an excuse for women to dress like hookers. Now I sort of understand dressing like french maids, Playboy bunnies, & schoolgirls…I guess.  I don’t find any of them particularly interesting or creative as a costume, but they are classics in a boudoir sort of way.  But, it’s come to the point where the pursuit of the sexiest costume has gotten completely out of hand, as evidenced by the fact that the following costumes exist.  I need someone, be it a man or lady who is into ladies, to please explain these costumes for a simple, country girl.

Ketchup & Mustard

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I work in mental health as a day job.  I know that humanity is dark & people are into some twisted, freaky business.  Still yet, who is sexually attracted to condiments?   I refuse to believe that’s a thing.

Harry & Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber

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The costumes above are on models.  MODELS, y’know people who get paid to be prettier than everybody else.  But, in my humble red headed opinion,  in these costumes these poor women look like a pair of very lovely, thin drag queens/transvestites.    If ultra femme, Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels impersonating drag queens/transvestites are your thing, then this costume makes total sense as sexy.  Otherwise, it’s a headscratcher.

Animal parade!  A sexed up giraffe, skunk, deer, & panda! 

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If I’m dating a guy & he’s like “You should be a sexy giraffe/skunk/deer/panda for Halloween.  That’d be so hot.” that’s a red flag,  A red flag with a cherry & a rape whistle on top.

Toys & Games

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Outside of the legginess of the ensembles, this goes along the same lines as the ketchup & mustard…who is turned on by board games &/or an etch a sketch?

Movie & TV Parade: Hannibal Lecter! Robocop! Brian Griffin! Beetlejuice!

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As a rule, if you’re going to be a sexy something, the thing you’re going to be should start out with at least a little drop of sexy built into it already.  NONE of these characters have built in sexy.  You’ve got a sociopathically charming, cannibalistic old man, a cyborg cop, an alcoholic cartoon dog, and effing Beetlejuice.  No.  No no.  & NO.

Electro Hippie Kids do Halloween

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This unicorn stripper on molly & this hooker monster with a blue haired woman for a face are what happens when EDM kids try to get in on the sexy Halloween thing.  I haven’t done remotely enough substances in my life to understand why these costumes exist, let alone why they are considered sexy.  If someone can just explain to me how they stand to wear such very, very fuzzy boots whilst dancing for hours on end without melting, I will be satisfied.

Miscellaneous: An eskimo, a banana, & a gnome.

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Dressing as an eskimo is like dressing as Santa Claus for Halloween.  And who wants to make out with Santa Claus?

This banana costume…ok I get why it’s sexy but Sweet baby Moses in the reeds, why don’t you just go naked?  I think naked might leave more to the imagination.

The gnome looks like Christina Aguilera lost a bet.  You put the costume on anyone else & it will look like THAT woman also lost a bet.

And last but not least, psych ward patient & nurse

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Because being murderously crazy or being able to sedate someone murderously crazy while showing a lot of cleavage &/or leg gets the people GOING!

 

 

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In which our heroine pens an open letter to girls of the world.

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Hello! Been away for a while, but I have tons of things in the works that will be making their way to this little corner of the internet soon. First off, I want to share a letter I recently submitted to CNN as part of their Girl Rising initiative. Girl Rising is a documentary following 9 remarkable girls in 9 countries as they seek an education. CNN placed an open call for letters telling girls around the world about education. Mine focuses on a bit of a first world problem (bullying) but the general sentiment is transferrable. Enjoy! – A

Dear young ladies of the world,

School is rough. Doesn’t matter if it’s public or private, K-12 or college, getting your education is a difficult, arduous task. Many adults seem to forget this as the years grow between their school days & their daily lives, but as a woman who spent two-thirds of her life in some form of academic process, I know full well how hard it can be. I also know that sometimes the things that get in the way of your learning & make it so difficult have nothing to do with your academic ability & everything to do with forces outside of your control. In this letter I am going to focus on one of those forces that, I feel, can be the most damaging to you just being able to get your basic K-12 education: Bullying.

To give you some background about why I’m compelled to address this particular issue out of the many that you ladies face at school every day, it’s important to know some basic things about me. I am a mental health counselor who works with children & adolescents age 5-18 on an outpatient basis. Out of the young people I work with, I’d say 80-90% of them are seeing me for some issue that is related to bullying. I hear horror stories about the cruelty these kids experience on a daily basis, so I know how much of an educational issue this has become.

I also know how significant of an issue this can be because I was bullied growing up. From 5th – 9th grade, my academic life was mildly hellish thanks to the treatment I received from some of my peers (I qualify my experiences with mildly because I know that compared to what some of you girls go through, I got off easy). I could count on being teased at least twice a day by older kids on the school bus. During the most painfully shy & awkward period of my life, I got called ugly, stuck up, & stupid on a daily basis. On more than one occasion, I got off the bus with gum stuck in my hair that some acne riddled high school jerk-face from the back of the bus had thrown at me. Once I got to school, the popular kids in my grade called me a skank because I didn’t wear Tommy Hilfiger jeans & a nerd because I kept to myself, read a lot, & was in the school band. I got shoved into lockers by the alpha females at my school more times than I can count. And as the cherry on top, in 6th grade my locker was beside a girl who had bullied me since kindergarten, which meant I got threatened & called names a few times a day at a minimum. On a bad day, I got smacked in the head or kicked in the back a couple times as I was kneeling down to get my stuff. The combination of these things led to me crying, begging my parents to pull me out of school, & generally wishing I was dead every single day for the majority of my middle school years. And these are just the things I can remember, a lot of my memories from that time are fuzzy because I think my brain completely blocked them out.

I tell you all this because I know how utterly alone it feels to go to school every day dreading life & thinking everyone in the world hates you. I know that far too many of you young ladies have to deal with some monstrous mean girl at your school who spreads rumors about you, threatens to beat you up, actually DOES beat you up, calls you names, teases you about how you look, gives you grief about your sexuality, & generally goes out of their way to make your life as miserable as possible. For some of you, you not only have to deal with mean girls, but mean boys & older kids too (as I did). I know how having to deal with these awful people can make just getting up for school in the morning hard, so it obviously makes focusing & doing your best in class every day next to impossible. Even if you love to learn, if you dread going to school every day, the only thing you want is to never have to see the place again. Forget getting an education if it means dealing with this garbage every day, right?

No, not right. I’ll tell you why. Prepare yourselves, because I’m about to give you a message from THE FUTURE.

Things do not stay this horrible forever. Once you hit around 11th grade, people get too caught up in trying to figure out what they’re going to do with themselves after graduation to spare the energy constantly harassing someone requires. In the meantime, here is some truth from the future I can share with you about the people who are giving you hell right now: They’re weak & they’re wrong. When someone is a bully, they act that way because they don’t know how else to control people. They feel bad about themselves for one reason or another & they don’t know how to make themselves feel better, so they pick on people to pass their bad feelings on to someone else. Everything they say about you & do to you comes from the fact that they’re too weak right now to figure out why they don’t like themselves. Since everything they say comes from how they feel about themselves, that means their behavior has little to nothing to do with you. What they say about you isn’t true, because it’s all a reflection of their own self hatred. So don’t believe their lies; you are not stupid & you are not ugly. You’re you & you are a wonderful thing.

I tell you this in hopes that even one of you will read this & feel just better enough about things to go back to class in the fall with your head held a little higher. At the end of the day, you’re not going to school so these other little beasts can take their psychic negativity out on you & make you hate yourself. You’re going there to learn more things & the more things you learn, the more awesome you become. At the end of the day, it isn’t the prettiest girl or the most popular girl who wins, it’s the smartest girl because she’s the one who doesn’t peak in high school. She’s the one who gets to take everything she’s learned to college & have a fabulous time meeting people who like to learn as much as she does. She’s the one who treats everyone she meets with kindness because she knows just how mean people can be sometimes. She’s the one who goes on to get a good job & change the world for the better. I know that sounds hard to believe, but I promise you it’s true.

So at the end day girls, do you & just go learn! Be kind, be yourself, & be the best student you can be. Don’t let someone who won’t matter in 10 years take your education away from you or your potential for greatness away from the world. We need all of you. We’re going to need some smart ladies to take care of business around here when the rest of us get old. You are each a gift & you each have a role to play in the world. Never believe someone who tells you otherwise.

Love,
Allison

In which our heroine has had it with defending her nerdiness.

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Most of the internet doesn’t know me personally, so let me begin this post with some information about the kind of person you’re dealing with here in this little blog.

I am a nerd. A HUGE nerd.

Nerds are people who don’t just like things, they fall madly in love with them. They are passionate about the things they dig and have no problem sharing that passion with anyone who will listen (and even some people who won’t if they’ll just stand still for a minute). Nerds just LOVE THINGS. That’s what we do.

I am what could best be categorized as your standard pop culture nerd. I’ve been obsessed with Batman since I was 3. I was the only little girl at my school who read comic books. My first crush was Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: The Next Generation (don’t you DARE judge me). I’m a Whovian. I’m a Browncoat. I still daydream about being Buffy Summers sometimes. I know way more about Monty Python than any one person probably should. I love horror movies, both good and bad. I could go on, but if that isn’t enough evidence of the kind of chick I am I’m not sure what else I could share that might clear it up.

There are a great many people out there who have serious misconceptions about the nature of nerdiness. In my experience, the most problematic of these misconceptions is caused when people have a very narrow view of what being a nerd means. I’m not talking about family & friends who don’t understand nerdy passion for certain things. I’m talking about people who are nerds & feel that they get to decide who out there is & is not “nerdy enough” to use the title. I have a couple of stories about times when I’ve been called out by those kind of nerds myself.

When I first started graduate school, I went to my first “nerd-con” at a hotel in Roanoke, VA. I went with the guy I was dating at the time, who was always an elitist about nerd matters. Whenever I would refer to myself as a nerd, he would respond with comments like “Yeah, how many D&D characters have you made, Allison?, “How many of your gaming systems do you still own, Allison?”, and/or “How many comic books do you still read, ALLISON?”

Yes, I know. He WAS indeed a diamond studded asshole of the highest pedigree. Very astute of you to notice.

So I went to this con with him & 2 of his friends &, even though I found it a bit strange in places, I loved it. I loved all the games & toys. I loved the fact there was a dude there randomly selling swords & battle axes to the revelers. I loved seeing all the cosplayers out & about, caring not a jot about the other hotel guests who were clearly confused by them. I even loved the hippies & belly dancers in attendance, although I couldn’t work out exactly why they were there for the life of me. It was a fantastic day right up until the end when Captain Asshole decided to open his big, dumb mouth.

You see, I was in a sorority in college. I was not a “sororstitute” nor was a “sorority girl”. I was a cool chick who happened to join a greek organization because she loved the women in it & what the group was about. On the day of the con, I wore a set of my sorority letters. I didn’t think of this as a problem, because I didn’t think about my choice of outfit that day at all. I just wore what I thought would be comfortable. As we were leaving the event, Cap’n let me know that, apparently, my outfit was a nerd fashion faux pas. While I was telling him about all the things I liked about the con & how much I’d like to go to another one, he laughed & said “Well you’re not allowed to wear your sorority girl stuff if I take you to another one because you looked completely out of place. It was ridiculous.”

In a room full of belly dancers, storm troopers, & starfleet cadets, who knew the girl in a t-shirt & jeans would qualify as the ridiculous looking one? Long story short, Cap totally killed my joy about my first convention. And, because he was my first serious boyfriend after college, I let him. I didn’t have the confidence yet to put him in his place for being mean to me, so I let him be a jerk & limped along with him for a few more months before our relationship died a slow death.

My second story happened just a few months ago. I was at a bar, talking to a couple of people about video games. Now, I consider myself a bit of a gamer, but I am in no way hardcore. I play the games I like when I have the time. That’s it. But, I do really love gaming & I know a lot about it. As I was rattling on, a random guy at the bar looked at me, chuckled derisively to himself, & shook his head. He then said (without being a part of the prior conversation in any way) “It’s cute that you like video games, but everyone knows that women are terrible at them. The concept of a gamer girl is a fucking joke.”

…oh EVERYONE knows that do they?

I proceeded to tell dude that I have had a controller of some kind in my hand since I was 3. That’s 26 years of my life that I’ve been gaming. And while I don’t play C.O.D (can’t play first person shooters at all, they make me too dizzy), Starcraft, or World of Warcraft (actually used to play it with Captain Asshole though), that’s a hell of a long time for me to be playing video games & not qualify as a gamer.

I also challenged him to play me at Street Fighter, Tekken, Soul Caliber, or Mortal Kombat. He could pick the game & the place. Any day that he felt like getting his ass kicked by a terrible joke of a gamer girl, say the word I’d be happy to assist him. Needless to say, he didn’t take me up on the offer. He just rolled his eyes & returned to drinking beer & being generally horrible at life.

These are just 2 examples of how this weird, completely unnecessary elitism has somehow developed within the nerd nation. It’s a phenomenon that baffles me, because I cannot remember one time in my life where I have compared someone against my nerd street cred. I’m always just thrilled to death to find someone else who gets why I love something so much.

See growing up, I had to keep a lot of the nerdy things I loved quiet. I got teased by other little girls for playing Nintendo in kindergarten because “only boys play video games”. In later years I got made fun of for reading comic books, watching Batman: The Animated Series, & reading R.L. Stine books for the exact same reason. I even got teased by a few women in my sorority for playing video games when I was in college. It took me just getting to a point where I just didn’t give a damn about what other people thought to let my nerd flag fly proudly. I went through a lot of grief for the things I loved, but as soon as I made being me a full time job, all that noise just didn’t matter anymore.

I think that experience is similar for a lot of nerdy folks. Growing up tends to fall on the the more awful end of the spectrum, but when you’re an adult you find out that the people who gave you a hard time don’t matter & never did. You also learn that there are a lot more people out there that are into the things you love than you ever imagined. And meeting those people is completely awesome about 99.9% of the time. Ever see two people who’ve just met learn that they both love Doctor Who? The moment between those people is one of pure JOY. There’s an immediate understanding & shared history between them, even if their day to day lives & life experiences could not be more different.

This is why I have a problem with people who think they get to decide who is or isn’t nerdy enough to qualify for the title. Everyone who grew up with nerdy interests was beaten up or harassed for it in some way. Some bigger or meaner kid was forever telling you that you were a weirdo & not cool enough for one reason or another, which almost always hurt your feelings. Yet, somehow, there are people out there like bar guy & Captain Asshole who think they are entitled to say who is & isn’t nerdy enough to come to the party. And they usually make the distinctions on profoundly stupid criteria, like not knowing as much as they do about a particular TV show or not owning a certain movie on DVD. That just doesn’t wash with me.

There’s also a sadly sexist edge to their judgements as well. I’m not just a nerd, because no worthwhile human being is just one thing all the time. I’m also a woman who is way into clothes & makeup & shoes. On any given day, my style tends to vary from chic tomboy to reincarnated pin up girl. Basically, I dig a lot of girly things. Because of this, I have been told by people more times than I can count that they’re surprised I like certain things because I “don’t look like I would”. Whenever I’ve been in a comic book or game store, I get stared at by both male & female store regulars. The men usually look at me like I must be lost &/or occasionally check me out. The women tend to glare at me. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I don’t look enough like a “nerd girl” to not get that kind of static. I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to look like to qualify for that label, but the reactions I’ve gotten over the years have let me know that I definitely don’t.

My generally feeling towards people of all persuasions has always been that as long as you’re nice, you’re welcome to sit at my lunch table. If I can geek out with you about certain things too, that’s a bonus. I don’t care if you just started watching The Doctor or have seen every episode they’ve ever made, I’m just happy to ramble on about how great he is with you. This happiness doesn’t change if you look like Sheldon Cooper or look like Mal Reynolds, because I don’t care. You can look like your stereotypical lifelong indoor kid or a macho man of the highest order. Doesn’t matter, because again, no one is just one side of their identity all the time. I know this philosophy is shared by the vast majority of nerds out there. I know that 99.9% of them just love sharing the things they adore with like minded people & never once think of it as a competition. I just hope it catches on with the remaining .01% someday as well, because defending my nerd status has become a bore.

In which our heroine ponders her singleness.

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Without exception, everything about falling in love is a game. Because of this, I happen to be the world heavyweight champ of falling in love. This is how decades of gaming has paid me off.

In early affairs of the heart, where balancing the scales between playing readily available and hard to get, I own. Shamelessly. I am a level 90 mage with a legendary weapon and epic steed, a badass, gun toting heroine who really doesn’t need you any damn way, and a damsel in distress locked inside an 8 bit tower breathlessly awaiting rescue by plumber. I know when to fight and when to surrender, when to respond and when to ignore, and when to run towards and when to run away. Basically, I’m a dungeon master. The entire romantic landscape is under my complete control. Once a competitor is identified, any resistance he puts up is futile, though I always let him think otherwise.

After weeks of spirited gameplay, the time eventually arrives to put up or shut up. In any game, there has to be a winner after all. After fighting the good fight, I concede joyfully into delusions of grand monogamous bliss, complete with diamond rings and washing machines and consolidated debts. This is when my mastery runs out and I flounder humiliatingly like a total noob.

I used to view my lack of long term commitment skills as complete, woeful failure at passing for a grown up. Most people I grew up with have 3 kids by now. I, in stark contrast, have a cat who I am convinced is the reincarnation of Sid Vicious. This means I don’t even have a consistent, warm relationship with a small animal, let alone a small human. Most people I went to college with are at least engaged, if not well into their first marriages. I am neither. I’m not even close to the diamond and the big party and all that. Yes, for many years I believed that the fact that I’ve yet to unlock the “Happily Ever After” achievement was because I am, in some way, defective. I mean, what good is kicking ass in levels 1 – 9 of a game if you just go on to do a total face-plant against the big boss on level 10? A waste is all that is. A tragic, pathetic waste.

But, after the end of my most recent relationship, I got to thinking. The kind of thinking you do as you sit in the bathtub, taking inventory of yourself until your fingers are prunes. The realization I came to was that my lack of a long term partner has nothing to do with my capabilities for maintaining a relationship. My only mistake has been choosing to align myself with inadequate players.

If you look back across my dating history, a pattern emerges. I consistently choose men who don’t even have the initial skills down, let alone the emotional depth & integrity required for committed relationships. My older sister says this happens because I’m only attracted to geeks and artists. I dig standard nerds, as well as audiophiles, bookworms, painters, and career intellectuals. She believes that if I’d just give up and find myself a nice, simple country boy, I’d be blissfully settled in no time. Obviously, the nerdy, artsy type is no good for me.

I love my sister. I really do. And it’s because I love her that I’m able to say this:

That theory is garbage.

So, I have come up with a vastly superior one: My relationships fail because I seek out the players with malfunctioning equipment.

(Not THAT kind of malfunctioning equipment, pervyface. Gross.)

I cozy up with men who never knew their fathers (or know them and hate them). I date guys who can easily make friends while playing an MMORPG, but maintain anemic relationships in that vast, scary place we call the real world. I pick men who drink too much, can never be serious (or are serious all the time), and have faith in nothing. I choose to strike up relationships with men who are fundamentally incapable of being authentically in love. They can be in like, less than 3, luv, and lust, but LOVE is out of the question. They just cannot do it.

Essentially, I date shoddy AI, computer generated opponents who can only match my skills as far as they’ve been programmed to. Picking these bots and choosing to stick around letting them win game after game is my only fault in the matter. I am otherwise a 25k platinum plated catch.

This realization has not only helped me tolerate my solo player status, but learn to revel in it. The only reason I’m unmarried and unattached is because I’m refusing to settle for noobs & trolls. I refuse to settle for ANYTHING less than face melting awesomesauce. Ever again. When the quirky nerd/ artsy dude I’m supposed to be with finally comes along, he’s going to have to be impressive. It’ll take a hell of a lot to win me over. But, he can handle it. Better than handle it, he’ll excel at it.

Why you ask?

Because he’ll be good enough not only to keep up with me, but outplay me altogether.

In which our heroine explains why love & marriage is for everyone.

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When I was a little girl, I went to church with my parents every Sunday morning. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old when a guest minister came to our church to preach on homosexuality. Throughout his sermon, he discussed all kinds of Old Testament fire & brimstone (a rare occurrence in most Methodist churches) & uttered the infamous phrase “God created Adam & Eve NOT Adam & Steve!”

No, I’m not kidding. A grown man stood in the pulpit & actually said that…I WISH I was making that up.

Even at that young age, it seemed to me that, since “All have sinned & fallen short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23), it wasn’t really ok for that guy to stand up in front of a congregation & blast the “immorality” of homosexuality. The thought I kept coming back to was “Isn’t this guy just mad at people who sin differently than he does?” I mean, if we’ve all fallen short, what gives him the right to say one group of sinners is better than another?

Thus began my life long arm wrestling match with organized religion, which is a topic for another day.

The other thing that began that day was my fervent belief in equality for ALL people. The anger I felt at that guest preacher went way deeper than being faced with hypocrisy. Every religion has it’s own set of hypocrisies, comes with the territory. The ire that I felt came from someone using religion as an excuse to treat other Americans like second class citizens.

You see, I have my quarrels with organized religion, but at the end of the day I believe in God. I think God is benevolent & He loves everyone. No exceptions. You don’t even have to believe that He exists for Him to conspire in your favor. He’s THAT cool. This is who, based on all the evidence I’ve been presented with in life, I believe God is.

Now, if I’m correct & this is indeed the kind of God we’re dealing with, do you think He would be ok with discriminating against other people? Would He want a whole section of people to be treated as if they are “less than” because of who they love? Would He oppose people wanting to be in loving, committed relationships just because those relationships happen to be between people of the same sex?

No. Of course not. He loves us. He loves us even when we are unlovable. He doesn’t want us to be alone or unhappy. He created ALL of us, gays & lesbians included. I imagine He’s probably rather displeased that people choose to use pieces of His teachings to people centuries ago (when people thought it was ok to rape, pillage, & have sex with animals) in order to justify widespread institutional discrimination in 2013.

As a side note, if you really believe being gay is a choice, riddle me this: Why on earth would someone choose to be gay while living in Texas, Kentucky, or Alabama? That sounds like a TERRIBLE life choice to me. So terrible, I have a hard time believing anyone would ever make it. But I digress…

I believe that love is love. If you are lucky enough to find someone in this life you love enough to wake up beside EVERY SINGLE DAY, God bless you. I have a hard time finding someone I LIKE enough to keep around for more than 6 months, let alone a person I love so much that I want to committ myself to them for the rest of my live long days. When you find love like that, you should be able to walk into any courthouse in our great nation with your head held high & get a marriage certificate, regardless of the genders involved.

To people that have a hard time accepting that this change is going to come to pass in America sooner rather than later, I have a few questions for you: Why are you so concerned about relationships between consenting adults that don’t involve you? Yes the Bible says homosexuality is sin. It also says divorce, adultery, gambling, tattoos, & drinking alcohol are all sins. Where’s the outcry to make all these things illegal? You’d think people would be falling all over themselves to ban first two since they actually DO impact the sanctity of marriage, but they’re not. If that’s truly what all this is about, why pick on the gays? Why is the focus not on marriage in general? Because from where I’m sitting, a married straight couple who’ve had 2 sets of kids taken away by DSS, spend their nights beating the hell out of each other, & are cooking meth in a trailer somewhere aren’t doing a whole lot for the whole sancitity cause. They ARE straight & married though, so that’s good enough apparently? Seems to be.

My hope this week is that ALL the people I love will have a greater chance of being able to legally marry the people they love by Friday, not just the straight ones. I am hopeful that the courts will do the right thing by striking down both Prop 8 & DOMA. But even if it doesn’t happen this week, everyone who favors marriage equality can take comfort in the fact that IT WILL. This change is coming and there’s nothing that can stop it. Hopefully the courts will find themselves on the right side of history by doing the right thing now rather than continuing to treat our friends and neighbors differently in the eyes of the law just because of who they happen to love.

In which our heroine really hates the Kardashians, but actually hates society more.

Let’s get something out-of-the-way right now: I hate the Kardashians.

Now, I am not a hateful person.  I don’t use the word hate lightly.  I dislike a certain things, I get frustrated by a lot of things, & I may even rant about something from time to time…but hate is not a word I use lightly.  That’s because, despite the fact that I may do the above things sometimes, I’m a generally nice lady.  I work at a wayward girls’ home for goodness sakes.  Were I a truly hateful human being, I wouldn’t be able to do a job like that.  But, I’m also a woman who stands for some things, like hard work & class, & becoming well-known because you’ve done something meaningful with your life.  The Kardashians, in my eyes, are the polar opposite of all those things.

Now, if you think I’m being too hard on the crazy K’s, please take a moment and objectively consider how the Kardashian zeitgeist got started.  The only reason this family has become infamous is because Kim Kardashian had sex on camera with Brandy’s little brother & the video became readily available for public viewing.  Rather than respond like a half decent mother, Kris Kardashian saw an opportunity to make a few bucks & pimped out her whole family to Ryan Seacrest.  That is factual information.  That’s the series of events that made Keeping up with the Kardashians happen. Disgusting, eh?

Now, with an understanding of how much I truly dislike these people on a fundamental level, you can imagine it would be a little hard for me to feel sympathy for any of them.  They’re exorbitantly rich and famous for no good reason; woe is them, their lives are hard. HOWEVER, while checking Buzzfeed this morning with my coffee like always, a story came across that made not only feel some empathy for Kim Kardashian, it actually made my guts hurt.

The story is titled: Kim Kardashian Covered in Blood & can be found for your reading displeasure here.  This is the picture she put out on instagram after the procedure:

Kim K's vampire facial

Kim K’s vampire facial

On the list of gross things people do for the sake of beauty, between the fish pedicure & foreskin facial cream, I really thought there was not much left people could try that would truly horrify me.  But, the vampire face lift officially wins the blue ribbon prize for crazy. For those of you not brave enough to click the links, allow me to briefly explain the procedure.

The Vampire Facial involves taking an injection of blood from the arm, mechanically separating the platelets from the rest of the blood, then injecting the platelets back into the FACE in hopes of stimulating collagen production in those pesky fine lines & wrinkles.

First of all, that’s gross.  Fully gross.  At what point in a discussion with your dermatologist does THIS procedure not only come up, but seem legit?  Who came up with this idea?  And then who listened to that weirdo & said “This is the BEST idea I’ve ever  heard & it’s not creepy at all! Here’s ALL the money for your business!”? Also, this procedure is $1,500 a pop.  I repeat $1,500.  One of these icky bloody face treatments is equivalent to 7 months of my car payments. There’s so much wrong with the existence of this procedure that it blows my mind. But that’s not even the thing about this story that makes my guts hurt.

Kim Kardashian is 32 years old.  Not 102, not 72, 32.  She’s also gorgeous.  I mean I hate the whole sluttastic “dat ass” Maxim centerfold stink that rolls off of her most of the time, but under all the spray tan & liquid eyeliner she really is an attractive woman.  Why in the sweet name of Jesus did she feel the need to do this AT ALL?  When’s the last time you saw a picture of Kim Kardashian while standing in the checkout line & said “Geez, she looks haggard, she needs to get some work done.”?  Never, that’s when.

I may have a litany of other complaints about Kim K.  However, at no point has one of my gripes been “She is looking leathery, maybe she should consider getting blood drawn from her arm & injected back in her FACE?”  It makes me sad that a woman living in the public eye would go through a procedure like this to keep the aging beast at bay.  How intolerant of women older than 22 have we become for a 32 year old to be THAT WORRIED about the collagen in her face?  Point of information: 30 isn’t old.  In my little redheaded opinion, you don’t really become an adult until you’re about 27.  That’s just how it is.  I’m 29 & until today I hadn’t given the collagen in my face the first thought.   And when’s the last time you heard about Pauly D (or some other douche on Kim’s level) doing some crazy medical thing to keep his face flawless?  He’s the same age, so they should have just used the buddy system & gone in for vampire facials together, right?

No, not right, because that’s not how it works for dudes.  Men become “distinguished” with age where, for some reason, women just become ugly old bats.  Apparently that’s how stuff works for us ladies. So, in summary, because she’s reached the age of legitimate adulthood & about to be a mom, Kim Kardashian is officially an old bag.  She needs to pull crazy stunts  like this if she wants to save the dwindling life force she has left.  Because, in America, what’s less attractive than a 30 year old?  Or a mom?  Let alone a 30 year old mom?!  Eww!

That’s why the story made my stomach hurt.  It’s not just a story about a celebrity being cray cray bananas, it’s a story that symbolizes the value we put on women past a certain age.  If you’re 21 & super hot, we love you & you should run around topless all the time.  If you’re 30 & super hot, you’re no longer hot ENOUGH.  Go do everything you can to look like a 21 year old.  Until then, you’re just gross & sad, so get the crazy foreskin cream & blood facial ASAP if you want us to keep paying attention.  That’s the sad reality hidden behind this weird ass story: Kim’s not the crazy one this time.  Our society is.