In which our heroine would like someone to explain these “sexy” Halloween costumes, please.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. There is no question.

I love Thanksgiving. I like St. Patricks Day. I used to love Christmas, but the retail, commercial side of it has become so damn pushy that the best I can muster for it these days is an obligatory like until about December 10th. But Halloween is made of candy, costumes, pumpkins, & horror movies, & therefore, is an absolute good.

However, I have always had one small gripe with Halloween & that is how it has evolved into an excuse for women to dress like hookers. Now I sort of understand dressing like french maids, Playboy bunnies, & schoolgirls…I guess.  I don’t find any of them particularly interesting or creative as a costume, but they are classics in a boudoir sort of way.  But, it’s come to the point where the pursuit of the sexiest costume has gotten completely out of hand, as evidenced by the fact that the following costumes exist.  I need someone, be it a man or lady who is into ladies, to please explain these costumes for a simple, country girl.

Ketchup & Mustard


I work in mental health as a day job.  I know that humanity is dark & people are into some twisted, freaky business.  Still yet, who is sexually attracted to condiments?   I refuse to believe that’s a thing.

Harry & Lloyd from Dumb & Dumber


The costumes above are on models.  MODELS, y’know people who get paid to be prettier than everybody else.  But, in my humble red headed opinion,  in these costumes these poor women look like a pair of very lovely, thin drag queens/transvestites.    If ultra femme, Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels impersonating drag queens/transvestites are your thing, then this costume makes total sense as sexy.  Otherwise, it’s a headscratcher.

Animal parade!  A sexed up giraffe, skunk, deer, & panda! 


If I’m dating a guy & he’s like “You should be a sexy giraffe/skunk/deer/panda for Halloween.  That’d be so hot.” that’s a red flag,  A red flag with a cherry & a rape whistle on top.

Toys & Games


Outside of the legginess of the ensembles, this goes along the same lines as the ketchup & mustard…who is turned on by board games &/or an etch a sketch?

Movie & TV Parade: Hannibal Lecter! Robocop! Brian Griffin! Beetlejuice!


As a rule, if you’re going to be a sexy something, the thing you’re going to be should start out with at least a little drop of sexy built into it already.  NONE of these characters have built in sexy.  You’ve got a sociopathically charming, cannibalistic old man, a cyborg cop, an alcoholic cartoon dog, and effing Beetlejuice.  No.  No no.  & NO.

Electro Hippie Kids do Halloween


This unicorn stripper on molly & this hooker monster with a blue haired woman for a face are what happens when EDM kids try to get in on the sexy Halloween thing.  I haven’t done remotely enough substances in my life to understand why these costumes exist, let alone why they are considered sexy.  If someone can just explain to me how they stand to wear such very, very fuzzy boots whilst dancing for hours on end without melting, I will be satisfied.

Miscellaneous: An eskimo, a banana, & a gnome.


Dressing as an eskimo is like dressing as Santa Claus for Halloween.  And who wants to make out with Santa Claus?

This banana costume…ok I get why it’s sexy but Sweet baby Moses in the reeds, why don’t you just go naked?  I think naked might leave more to the imagination.

The gnome looks like Christina Aguilera lost a bet.  You put the costume on anyone else & it will look like THAT woman also lost a bet.

And last but not least, psych ward patient & nurse


Because being murderously crazy or being able to sedate someone murderously crazy while showing a lot of cleavage &/or leg gets the people GOING!